12.1.03

i am thinking seriously about quitting my job.

i'm so confused! i like the work i do and i like to work. plus, i've never seen myself as a stay-at-home mom, but the stress of commuting for hours every day and my feelings of guilt from leaving emily in what feels to me to be a mediocre daycare environment are causing me to re-think my current employment situation.

on the surface, things seem to be going really well right now. emily is finally at the daycare center at my work (she was on a waiting list for months) so my round trip commute time is down to 1.5 - 2 hours a day instead of 3. but although i thought the corporate on-site daycare was going to be the ideal situation, it isn't.

when i left emily with a nanny and with her previous daycare, i truly felt that she was getting quality one-on-one attention. i don't feel she's getting that kind of attention at my onsite daycare, which is large and busy with lots of babies and infants under two years of age. when emily and i arrive at 9:15, the workers are busy with other kids and i have to leave emily lying in a crib or in front of an entertainment center, kiss her good-bye, and leave. when we employed a nanny, i left emily in the security of her own home. at her last daycare, i left her in the arms of penny, a loving, grandmotherly-type woman who absolutely doted on her. (penny cried when i took emily out of that daycare...i felt so bad!) at the new daycare, they have a hard time remembering emily's name. almost every morning, she cries when i leave her, even on the mornings when she *is* with one of the workers. i just don't feel there's a strong connection between her and them. ugh. why is it that the situation that's most cost-effective and convenient for me is the least beneficial for emily?

and i'll admit it, there's another reason i want to quit my job...i want to spend more time with emily! she's such a great kid. we were in las vegas last weekend (first family vacation!) and emily made friends left and right. seriously. people would call out, "hi emily!" when we were walking around. i don't know what it is about her, but people notice her. she has such a sweet personality and she smiles all the time and at everybody. sometimes it's tiring to be with her in public!

i suppose my biggest worry is that i'll quit my job then find myself going crazy from boredom and loneliness. maybe i'm not cut out to be a stay-at-home mom. i guess in that case i'll be honest about how i feel, put her back in daycare, and go get another job. reminder to self: no situation has to be permanent!

emily update: she's now 5 months old. no teeth yet, but the drooling is increasing. she's now been to chicago and las vegas and she's turning out to be a great traveller. i either nurse her or give her a bottle during take-off and landing and she hasn't had any inner ear problems. we've started supplementing breastfeeding with formula and she's fine with either. we've also started giving her cereal and other baby foods and she's really getting the hang of eating! last week we bought a high chair. she's so cute in it! pictures coming soon...

weight loss update: only 2 more pounds to go! i've stopped weighing myself every day since all of my pre-pregnancy clothes once again fit and that's really all i cared about. i'm still going to the gym every day during lunch and two weeks ago i had a fitness consultation with a trainer. she put together a new workout for me that includes upper body strengthening. she also weighed me and measured my body fat. afterwards she commented, "you just need to lose the baby fat." that made me laugh. "i have lost the baby fat," i told her, "i guess now i'm working on losing the original fat."

xoxo
mary [mary @ marytsao.com]