mary tsao: journal: have baby, need shower

2004 . . . 2003 2002

3.30.04

wow, the weeks have been flying by! i must be having fun, eh? i heard back from the erma bombeck competition and alas, i was not a winner. :( I'm still proud of myself for entering. here's a link to the winning essays. some of them are really funny! here's the essay i submitted:

Have Baby, Need Shower

In the weeks before the birth of my baby, I was fond of savoring my lasts: my last ham sandwich before the baby, my last trip to the grocery store before the baby, my last manicure before the baby. The morning I went into labor, I savored my last long hot shower before the baby. What I didn’t realize is that it would be my last long hot shower before the baby moved away to college.

At home with a newborn, one realizes fairly quickly that long hot showers are a thing of the past. This is the past that also included dental floss. Not to mention mascara, exfoliation, and clothing that has seen the inside of a washer.

But there is hope. Yesterday, I took the minivan to our local drive-through oil-changing station. As I waited, I daydreamed of a world where I had the same basic rights as a car and was entitled to routine maintenance after 3,000 ounces of dirty diapers. Suddenly, like a gallon of soft soap dropping from the sky onto my unwashed body, the perfect business idea hit me: the drive-through shower.

And why not? I realized that the oil-change place knew how to treat me right. An attendant brings me tea and offers a magazine while I wait. Blushing at the prolonged attention, I say no. Then after a decidedly-adult conversation about the merits of synthetic versus natural oil, I am left alone in my peaceful paradise. The car heater pumps warm air into the car; the purring engine soothes the baby as she sleeps in her car seat; the stereo pipes smooth jazz. All that is missing is the scented candles.

Yes, the drive-through shower. I pull my car forward and park in a beautiful antique brass and porcelain service bay. Four well-groomed attendants step out of the mist and begin gently jiggling my car to simulate the motion of driving. Thus fooled, my precious baby remains in slumber. A fifth attendant approaches with a hot towel, a pack of scented soaps, and my choice of lavender or sandlewood bath oil. He takes my place in the driver’s seat, ready at a whimper’s notice with a warm bottle and two hilarious sock puppets, while I visit an immaculately-appointed shower room. There I’m allowed that which has eluded me ever since I welcomed my darling daughter into my life -- a long, hot uninterrupted shower…

SLAM! The car hood goes down, my daughter awakes with a shriek, and a greasy clipboard awaits my signature. On the outside I’m as grimy as before, but my mind is clean and clear. Already I’m looking forward to my next half-hour of bliss at the oil-changing station.